Posted
by Dell 12-21-23 3:21 A.M.

Well
here it is 2023 nearly finished, and it doesn’t look any different
than 2022 did. Same politicians with the same promises, same clouds
in the sky, same snow on the ground, same Turkeys trying to eat my
Fred cat.

I
know it sounds funny but it isn’t. As you probably didn’t know we’re
out here in the boondocks, well, the lesser boondocks, okay, the
suburbs of the boondocks. There are some woods here, okay? The
turkeys live in the woods, and that’s fine. That’s fine because Fred
lives in the house. No problem, except Fred was converted from a do
whatever she wanted to cat to
a live in the house cat and that means that sometimes Fred gets the
urge to go out into the wilds of the back yard and look around. That
brings Fred into conflict with the Turkeys.

When
Fred and I were just getting to know each other, she decided to
impress me. So, every day for about three weeks Fred would bring me a
semi dead something. Bird, Squirrel, mouse, you get the idea. Then
Fred decided to teach me to hunt, at least I think that was the
intention. Fred probably thought I was a soft cat. Hanging out in the
house all day, never hunting in the backyard, and I suppose Fred
figured that if she had to be seen with me that she should make me a
little more presentable. So, she went from dead and semi dead to live
gifts. In other words, down the chimney Fred would come with a live
bird, squirrel, mouse, bring it right to my desk, look at me,
probably thinking. … “Okay, Stupid. I’m gonna let this go and
you’re going to catch it. I can’t keep feeding you. You have to learn
to hunt” … or something like that. And then, Surprise! Fred
let the Bird, squirrel, mouse go.

Oh, what fun, what joy, tearing around the house trying to catch the
bird, squirrel, mouse. I’m not making this up, so I found it amusing
when Fred began his Turkey troubles. Seemed like pay back to me, like
the little birds had called up their bigger cousins.

The
Turkeys believe the back yard and the woods are theirs. These are not
little Turkeys these are huge full-grown Turkeys. Big, and not like
the Turkeys at the A&P. These suckers still got heads, beady
eyes, wings that can fly, feathers, the whole nine yards.

Have
you ever seen twenty-five or thirty pounds of bird fly? The whirring
of their wings sounds unreal. Heavy. Like a chopper is about to land.
The first time I heard it I thought it was a helicopter far away.
Nope, four huge Turkeys dropping out of the sky to land next to the
window and eat the bread Mom put out. I jumped about three feet
straight up in the air when I saw them.

So,
I’m not really sure what started it with Fred and the Turkeys. One
day they just decided they were going to eat Fred. She probably looked
a lot better than the bread, so Mom
opens
the door, Fred walks out leisurely, like she owns the yard, like she
has all day, and then WHIRRRRRR, thirty-pound birds dropping from the sky and Fred ran for the shed.

Mom
had shut the door, but she yanked it open and sprang into action.
Funny? Mom is… Let’s say older and leave it at that… but she is
no slouch, and no one eats her cats without her permission. Broom in
hand Mom went after the Turkeys who pretty much had Fred cornered at
the edge of the house, she couldn’t get to the shed and couldn’t get
back to the house.

Mom
is about this high. (I
was holding my hand up, sorry you couldn’t see it, but I am no
fool). Do
not tell a woman’s true age, and don’t make remarks about her height
or lack thereof. Let me just say this; If the Turkeys had thought to
stand on one anothers’ shoulders they may have been able to hold her
off, snatch up Fred, and make their getaway. But they didn’t and they
could not stand against the broom wielding woman who is my mom.

I
guess the Turkeys just looked at it like shopping…

“Heeeey,
Billllly, is that a cat down there?” whirrrrrrrrrrr

“Yup.
Looks like it, Brian.” whirrrrrrrrrr

“I
was just going for eggs and cheese, but cat would go good
too…” whiiiiiirrrrrr

That
was round one. I slept through it. The next day Mom put the bread out
again. I said, “But, Mom. The Turkeys tried to eat Fred!”

“Honey
that was just because I didn’t put enough bread out there for them.
We have this half loaf of wheat bread that’s gone bad.”

“We
just got that two days ago!”

“Goes
bad fast.”

You
can’t argue with Mom. I looked at it like a Turkey payoff. But she
put the bread out and the Turkeys didn’t show up. We both
wondered about it for a while but eventually the day went on and we
forgot.

Fred gets in and out on her own most of the time, right into the utility
room, up the old chimney and under the roof eves and she’s out. But
now that Fred is pregnant, she prefers the door. Probably smart since
she is about as wide as she is long now. So, I let her out about an
hour later. The door wasn’t even closed before I heard the whirring
and the biggest damn birds, I’ve ever seen that close up dropped from
the sky. I was no help; I froze like a deer caught in the headlights.
The only thing that helped was that I froze and left the door
slightly open and Fred darted back in. The Turkeys saw me, glared at
Fred and then took off. I could have sworn the one Turkey called Fred
a Bitch as he flew away. Gangsta Turkeys these were.

I
learned a few things though. First, Turkeys do make
Gobbling sounds. They sound like some fat guy sitting in the brush
with a shotgun doing a bad Turkey call. Exactly like that. In fact, I’m pretty sure the fat guy did a better job than the Turkey did.
Second, these Turkeys are not kidding. The last two days in a row
I’ve gone out and they’ve been camped out in the pines, thirty feet
up, waiting for my Fred cat. Where’s the fat guy with the shotgun
when you need him? He could probably call those Turkeys right to him
and BLAM!

Okay,
so we have to be careful. We have no fat guy with a shotgun and the
Turkeys know it. I feel like I’m living in Australia surrounded by dingos and Olivia Newton John. And Fred is so pregnant she can’t run
fast, so I have been resorting to Turkey raids. I fling open the
door, run out and rush at the trees with the kitchen broom. But I
nearly gave the old lady next door a heart attack and I just couldn’t
stand to listen to the Turkeys up there in the pines gobbling at me.
It sounded like laughter… Anybody know a fat guy with a shotgun I
could hire??? There’s a free Turkey dinner in it! … Gobble, gobble,
gobble….

Here is a free Audio story for you and Merry Christmas to you too!

The last ride. This is a true story (youtube.com)

The last ride is a true story based on my years driving Taxi. I did change a few names, other than that this is a true story read by myself. #Geotrue #nonfiction #audicast #taxi #cab #Death #Ride #Fare Dell & Amber Smith